I Will Try To Fix You

"When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you."

"Fix You" by Coldplay
I’m writing from a very dark place right now. I know I’m in my "big bad hole", "having a depression session", "dealing with some issues", "going through a rough patch" (whatever you wanna call it – fact is - I’m depressed right now). I know I’m REALLY sad when I listen to this song, and it’s playing on a loop now, so I know things are bad. But it’s funny (read "dark and twisted sense of humour") how we all have our little niches. Some people think vodka makes them sad, but brandy makes them randy. Other people know their sad after they’ve eaten an entire slab of chocolate in on go. I have my music. When I just cannot listen to a happy tune, I know I’m in trouble.

But that’s what friends are supposed to be for right? They are there to fix each other and to help each other. That’s why God (or whichever higher power you believe in) placed us in family units, also to take care of one another. But somewhere along the lines society got it wrong and now people are breaking each other down. Bullies run rampant causing all kinds of damage. Where are the "fixers" - the superheroes of today? All you need to do is go up to that girl crying in the bathroom stall next to your at school and ask her if she needs to chat. If she wants to talk to you then listen, her story is probably one of intrigue or she wouldn’t be so upset. If she doesn’t want to talk, you can know she will still feel better knowing a complete stranger cared for her when it seemed to her as if nobody in the world did.

So if you feel broken or lost or hurt, there are help lines to phones and shrinks to see, but there are also people right next to you. You might think they don’t care, or think they are part of the problem, but I reckon if you just told someone you need to chat about a problem, they would listen and try to help. If we give people the chance, more of us could be heroes. So give someone a chance to be a hero and to fix you, everybody has at some point sung along to this song!

High school vs Home school

I’m awake at 3am again, this time in a different bed in a different house in a different province about 750km’s from where I last blogged from. No, it hasn’t been one of "those" nights like on Hangover (I checked the bathroom and it was stunningly tiger-less). Yes, I am staying with my Ouma for a few weeks to get my head straight. Apparently when your head is on skew, your Ouma kan fix that in 6 weeks. I really do love my Ouma!

*For those yuppies who don’t understand South African as a language, "Ouma" is the Afrikaans (but widely accepted alternative) word for "grandmother."

But the idea I actually have in mind to write about is stated in my title. What are the differences, pros and cons if you will, of attending high school as opposed to doing home schooling by yourself? I can only speak from my personal experience with my own high school(s) that I attended and now the home schooling programme that I am doing which is all computer-based and individual learning. Much like UNISA, but from Grade 1 to 12 and tutors are optional (and you can find your own tutors). I work completely by myself, so from that point of view I write about home schooling.

First that’s the obvious difference. Home scholars are by themselves for a large chunk of the day, week, month, and YEAR; whilst high school kids get to spend socialising with friends, acquaintances and teachers. I’m not saying home scholars have NO friends, I’m saying they will lose the opportunity to have made many new friends and might just simply lose touch with some old friends. We all know how easy it is to lose touch with someone when you’re used to seeing them daily but then suddenly only see them once in a while and hardly ever talk to them anymore and eventually you don’t talk to them at all.

Academically though your results really only depend on YOU – whether you are in public school or home schooled. But high school is considered a "cakewalk" ("piece of cake" and "walk in the park") compared to the insane discipline necessary for home schooling yourself. I thought I could easily handle the work by myself, with nobody pushing me to "Read pages 32-40 and answer the questions asked." I fell so far behind with my school work because it was so easy to say "I’ll do it next week, Glee is on and I haven’t seen this episode before, Mom!" Home schooling is TOUGH! It’s like trying to get a professional rugby player’s body without a dietician, supplements or a personal trainer to yell at you and make you feel insignificant on the gym floor! Only few can push through. It is yet to be determined whether I can push through the pain…

I dropped out of public school because I was tired of bullies, bitches and friends who weren’t really friends. The whole system was a lie. I have "special needs" and by that I mean I need to see a school counsellor often, which every public school promises is available to any student as and when they need him/her. LIES! I experienced firsthand how principals are involved in the PR of a school and then 2 weeks later when you are a student in their school they have no time for you. Between the bullies and the bullshit I just couldn’t take it anymore – and I thought it was the specific school, so I tried 4 different kinds of public high schools (Christian school and Arts school included) and they are all the same. BULLSHIT AND BULLIES.

So moving from high school to home school lead to some rumours being spread about me (I was pregnant, on drugs, and in rehab all in the same week without my knowledge!) I lost almost all my friends because it’s hard to stay in contact – the older we become the busier we become (and most of them started and/or spread the rumours – with friends like that who needs enemies?) and I’m kind of "the weirdo" now. But I still get my education and that is what is important. It’s a little more difficult finding ways to make new friends but at the end of the day I know my true friends still hang around So in my opinion public high school can SUCK IT! It just scarred me emotionally, home schooling is the way of the future for us nerds :P

When to Blog, Why to Blog

I was bored (how many blog entries start with those words?!) and surfing the web, when I came across these delightful little images at http://www.weblogcartoons.com/category/blogging/. I just think it's funny 'cause it's true! And they mostly apply to me, so laugh at yourself a little too why don't you?

Sunflowers and Spears

I found this awesome blog through a blog and here are just a taste of some of the photos the blogger posted. You can go straight to her blog here. Go check it out if you're into fashion and style! Support the blog!

On The Edge

Ever felt like you're on the edge? 

Lady Gaga once felt like she was on the edge of glory. I don't know what that means. I suppose she was close to achieving something great - even though by that time she was already a the "super-mega-ultra-massive-new queen of alternative pop rock". My guess is, she didn't have a clue what she was singing about, the tune was just catchy. 

As for me; at times I feel as if I'm on the edge of an emotional breakdown. How cool is that? (NOT!) I'd rather be clueless and on the edge of glory. 

The last few days I've felt on the edge of tears the entire time. The build up before you get to have a good sob-session, except I don't get my lekker weep time. You know what I'm talking about. It's not a good thing when you have something to cry about, but if you have a good and proper cry you feel better afterwards. It's scientific, I think. 

So basically I don't know what's wrong with me! Why I feel so bummed out the entire time and why I can't get out of this funk. It's giving me wirter's block and making me lazy. Who REALLY wants to do anything when all they feel like doing is curling up into a ball and crying. 

But I really want to stop feeling so bleak and just get on with life. So if you have any suggestions about how to get out of a slump, or how you got out of your slump if you've ever been in one, comment and let me know on my blog or here on facebook :) 


PS: Thanks for all the support you guys! Yesterday I hit 100 page views! So excited! :)

Instead of Sleeping

Its 3am right now. I can't help but wonder what everyone is doing.

I just woke up. Lately I wake up at a random hour every night and it takes me another hour or 2 before I can go back to enjoying my slumber. I decided to spend my hours awake tonight blogging, since it's been a while.

I suspect there are 12-year-old girls out there trying to force themselves to stay awake at a sleepover so that they can gossip and make prank calls all night. (Just for the record 12-year-old boys don't do the same thing. They go to bed when they're tired and sleep until you wake them up and annoy them with your prank call.)

Other 12-year-old children have already had they're first or second or umpteenth clubbing experience tonight - drinking and drugs may or may not be included. These CHILDREN are probably now "bowing down to the porcelain king" (throwing up into the nearest toilet).  But do not fret, they make the decision to never drink and party again ( the same decision they made last week, and  the week before, and the week before...)

Typical teenagers are doing everything from recovering from a bad trip (smoking marijuana that wasn't only marijuana *or another drug) to being as high as a kite. They're out clubbing or home from a good decent party that didn't get rowdy at all. Some of them just went to their church's youth group and came home. Others SAID they were going to youth and actually went smoking behind a bush or walked off to a club. It's tough to tell what teens are doing right now, but it mostly comes down to either partying or passed out.

As for the older generations: those in their 20s are similar to either the teenagers (except they don't have to tell their parent anymore) or the 30-somethings. Those in their 30s are probably asleep, some might have been woken up by a crying child and some might have gone out to try and show that they've still got "it". In your 40s and 50s people generally try to get as much sleep as possible, so they are probably asleep now, if not bailing they're 20-something out of jail. From ages 60 to 100, unless they have insomnia or some other ailment that has them in a lot of pain, they sleep through the night like a snail. (Apparently snails can sleep from up to 3 years.)

This post is of course not accounting for all the hanky-panky going on.
But what do you think people do at 3am?